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Tell Me About It: Friend tired of being party to bad behavior

 
Published Jan. 7, 2016

Q: I now live in a party destination, and I regularly get family and friends visiting to experience the city. This includes "Kathy," who has been in a long-term relationship for seven years.

When we were out, I came back from the bar to find Kathy making out with a guy who was rounding third base. I hated that she made me an accomplice to her cheating, and ended up mostly breaking off the friendship.

Now two years later, mostly reconciled, Kathy confronted me drunkenly at a birthday party for "treating her like a whore" and "making her feel bad for what she did." It all came out that Kathy and her boyfriend had made their relationship open before her trip.

I think she needed to tell me about the new situation, or what else was I supposed to think? Kathy maintains her relationship status is private and she did not need to tell me. Who's right in this situation?

Friend

A: Certainly it would have helped to know she wasn't deceiving her boyfriend so you didn't feel like an accomplice.

Her claiming privacy after she took part in a public mauling is also a bit rich.

I could also argue that your reaction sounds like a judge-and-shun operation where — assuming you have a good friendship history with Kathy — a sober, next-day conversation and forgiveness might have been more appropriate to that history.

All that being said, what bugs me most about what Kathy did isn't even here except by implication: Now that you're in Sin City, you're expected to be the host of everyone's walk on the wild side? Kathy used you, and that's not erased by the "I had a get-out-of-jail-free card!" excuse.

Having people come "experience the city" will wear you down fast if you don't start having a conversation with people in advance about what it's like to be the chauffeur for everyone's regression fantasy.