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Tell Me About It: Friends expect grief to simply disappear

 
Published Aug. 4, 2016

Q: My mom died suddenly a year ago. I've had several friends make comments to the effect that it must be good to be done with the grieving, that the hard part is behind me, it's good to see me back in the swing of things, etc. I know they mean well, but my mom's death is still a daily gut-punch that feels like a huge bruise on my chest. Yes, it's better, but by no means over.

Do I tell them this?

Grieving

A: "I'm not quite there yet, but, thank you."

It's an honest answer, gently stated. The "thank you" at the end closes the door for people who are just trying to make nice vs. discern where you are with your grief.

Some people will care to that latter degree, of course, in which case they can ask a follow-up question based on your response. Feel free to tell your truth at this point.

That's not only the foundation of support from friends, but also the way all of us come to the better understanding of grief that you wish your friends would display.

You can also decline to share further, if that's what you'd prefer. This is your grief, your call. I'm sorry about your mom.

Mom must accept son's rude partner

Q: My son's partner of eight years is nice, yet self-centered. We host all for dinner a lot. George refuses to chip in or help out when we get together. Thank-yous are few and far between.

My daughter and I have approached George and my son regarding this concern, but they both are defensive. How do I handle this? I don't even want to treat him anymore.

Perplexed

A: In choosing to be close to your son, you choose George, too, in all his ungrateful glory — unless you decide George is bad enough to cost you your son. I wish parsing the details could change this basic math, but it can't. You handle it by choosing your son.