Advertisement

Tell Me About It: He feels responsible for wife's social life

 
Published Nov. 18, 2015

Q: I recently got married to my longtime girlfriend.

There is one recurring issue that keeps bothering me: My wife seems to rely on me for any and all social activities outside of her workday. She has friends, but not really any that she interacts with on a regular basis. I, on the other hand, still socialize with a group of old friends, and seem to get out and do more with my free time. We do plenty of things together too, and I try to include her as much as possible.

I guess my issue is that all social activities are planned and initiated by me. And, whenever I do something without her, she makes me feel guilty.

I have hinted many times that she should call so-and-so, or do something on her own, but I always come across like a jerk. Every weekend I have to figure out what we are going to do.

Feeling the Pressure

A: The issue isn't that she's leaning on you socially — that's an issue, not the issue. The issue is that you feel guilty and pressured, be it from her pressuring you or from pressure you've put on yourself.

You need to spell out to your wife that you are happy to take on the majority of cruise-directing, but you're not comfortable being her sole social outlet.

You also need to say it's important to you to feel free to go out solo, on occasion, when she's not interested in coming along. Say you've felt guilty every time you've done this.

Then you ask her what she thinks, and really listen.

The distinction between her applying pressure and your pressuring yourself is an important one: Sometimes people do indeed fire up a guilt trip every time their partners try to draw breath without them, but sometimes, too, the guilt comes not from a clingy spouse but instead from within.

Either way, the answer is for each of you to be open and honest in your discussion of what you need, then patient and attentive in listening to the other's needs.