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Tell Me About It: He wants his wife to back him when wrong

 
Published April 21, 2016

Q: My spouse routinely makes statements that are patently and demonstrably untrue — easily disproved with a couple of clicks of a mouse. Yet I am berated (later) for not "having my spouse's back" when I don't publicly agree with spouse in the face of nonbelief by Spouse's particular audience. When is it okay to say, "Honey, I love you, but when I believe you to be completely wrong, I won't have your back this time"?

I've (Not) Got Your Back (This Time)

A: I don't think standing by a spouse who is in the process of being "patently and demonstrably" wrong about something fits the definition of having his or her back. If anything, the "team" is better served by a partner's gentle intervention on the spot, to keep the untruth-speaker (let's use "Pat" from now on) from digging that hole any deeper — and from asking a partner to lie.

That you have this problem "routinely" suggests Pat is stubborn, thin-skinned or both, and either one makes it hard to challenge the status quo. But gently persisting your way through the conversation — when you two are alone — can make future incidents less stressful for you both.

"I've been thinking about when you were upset with me for not backing you on (patent falsehood). I'm wondering what you would prefer I do in a situation like that."

If Pat suggests something reasonable to you, then you file the plan away for next time.

If instead Pat expects your backing even when wrong, then you say why you're unwilling to do that. Explain that your version of having a spouse's back is to give Pat a chance to change course. Ask again if there's a way Pat would prefer that you do this.

It might be that you never agree on how to handle this — but if so, you merely shift to a broader view of having a partner's back, one that makes more sense anyway: It's about standing by people for who they are and making them your priority. That can coexist peacefully with disagreements on getting one's facts straight.