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Tell Me About It: He's always disappointed by selfish father

 
Published Nov. 11, 2015

Q: My father-in-law is as self-centered as they come (possibly a narcissist?). My husband still expects that his encounters will be different — that his father will help when it's requested, show interest or support in our family and needs, or express pride in Husband's accomplishments that don't impact him.

All I see is Husband constantly being set up for hurt, which is the only thing my father-in-law consistently delivers. There's no tactful way to point this out, so do I just continue to sit back and watch it happen?

Not the Optimist

A: Give tact a chance. (But what are the chances that's all I'm saying?)

(1) "It breaks my heart to watch you get hurt every time you deal with your father." You're speaking for yourself, which guards you against overreaching, and you also aren't attacking him.

(2) "I see your trying and trying to get his help or support or approval, and his never giving it. Would you say that's a fair description of what's happening?" Posing it as a question allows him to come to his own conclusion. If he demonstrates here that he's nowhere near admitting this, then you can drop it and hope you planted a seed.

If he's still receptive, then:

(3) "Of course you want these things from him — he's your dad." Validation is powerful.

(4) "I'm wondering, though, if he has ever been supportive that way." Again — he might not be ready to admit this, but it's another seed planted regardless.

If he does admit his father has never been a giver, then:

(5) "It's okay to stop hoping he'll become a different person, and accept who he is. It's okay to be easier on yourself." You're not asking him to quit hoping for a better dad, you're saying you'll support him if he decides to on his own.

It's not tact so much as compassion — which, toward someone you love, is a much easier target to hit. Good luck.