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Tell Me About It: In-laws suspicious of woman's demeanor

 
Published Aug. 17, 2017

Q: My daughter-in-law has always been quiet and polite and acts like she needs a lot of alone time. I assumed she was introverted or shy and didn't hold it against her.

I recently met a classmate of hers who described her as talkative and outgoing. Ever since then, I've felt resentful of how standoffish she is with me and my husband. I told her I'd met a friend who described her as very talkative, and she said politely and emotionlessly, "Yes, they're a fun group."

My husband said she's two-faced and not worth the trouble but I want her to open up to me. I know I shouldn't feel so angry, but I feel like she pretended to be shy to avoid me.

Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?

Angry

A: Wow. You've ascribed such terrible motives to her — when there are other explanations available — that you've inadvertently made a strong argument for why she's guarded around you.

She doesn't trust you! She does trust her friends. That's not "two-faced," that's sentient. She's reading the room and choosing to hold herself back to avoid being judged.

Plenty of people can be both "introverted or shy" and "talkative and outgoing." A person can easily be talkative and outgoing when she's feeling relaxed and confident, and quiet at other times. That's not two different personalities; that's just one personality with a well-used "pause" button.

If that's true of your daughter-in-law, then the way to "tell" her she's free to talk to you like she would a friend is to be warmly and consistently accepting.

Again — given the reflexive daughter-in-law bashing over one conversation, I'd say it's unlikely you two give off a welcoming vibe.

Upshot? Be genuine, kind, open-minded — and patient. Habits run deep, but benefits start to accrue immediately once you open yourself to the possibility that you're the one needing to change.