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Tell Me About It: Innocuous text is interpreted as aggressive

 
Published May 23, 2016

Q: My boyfriend's work schedule shifts around from week to week, with a mixture of mornings and nights. Mine is a standard weekday, 9 to 5, but I work a second job until 10 p.m. a couple of days a week as well. We're both happy with our setups,.

He'll often text from work when I'm off to ask what I'm up to, and if I happen to be doing something fun, he will say he's "jealous." I know he doesn't mean to use that word in a malicious way. And I could just ignore it.

But it bugs me that he is implying that I'm getting to enjoy something he doesn't get to, when there are plenty of nights when I'm working and he isn't.

I know it seems like I'm just nitpicking, but this small thing feels somehow like a big thing. What do you think is my deal?

Anonymous

A: I think you're nitpicking when you could just ignore it.

Or just recognize there is more than one interpretation of "jealous." If you assume the most charitable one, and text back accordingly — "Miss you!" or "We'll come back here the next night you're off" — then you might find this is just a resounding non-issue of his wishing he were out with you, versus stuck at work.

Mom's jokes about finances likely serious

Q: Do you have tips for how to launch honest conversations with parents about their finances? My mother has been "joking" about how she and my stepdad don't have nearly enough for retirement, and so she hopes we'll have a nice in-law suite. If I'm going to be looked to for financial support, I'd like that spelled out.

Parents and Money and Dread

A: Your mother is launching the conversation for you. Next time she opens the door with one of her "jokes," walk through it: "You've been making that joke a lot lately, Mom. Is there some truth to your running out of money?" Next steps: Tell your truth. "We're not in a great position to help. Can we work on a plan together?"