Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Insincere proposal is beyond a red flag

Q: Three months ago, my fiance proposed to me. We had been together over four years at the time, and own a home together. It's now apparent he only proposed to keep me happy and he only speaks negatively about weddings and marriage in general. He has done nothing but impede wedding planning, and wants to put off the ceremony for another year.

How do I approach the question of whether I want to marry someone who doesn't seem to really want to marry me? I'm not willing to stay not-married forever. I was very close to leaving for this exact reason, and when he realized I was serious, quickly worked to get me an engagement ring.

Invested in Marriage

A: You sound less like partners and more like roommates with specific objectives. Different objectives at that. How much do you guys talk, and how deeply? Where's the intimacy here?

Try, please, to have the conversation: "You say (blank), (blank) and (blank) about weddings and marriage and general. I plan the wedding, you postpone the wedding."

If he won't tell you what he really thinks and feels at this point, then the marriage is not happening, even if it happens. The point of marriage is intimacy, and intimacy is about sharing yourself honestly and mutually. Not grumpy deflecting.

In the interest of full disclosure, your whole description of this relationship screams "over." People propose insincerely because for whatever reason they don't want to disrupt their day-to-day lives. It's so selfish.

And it sounds for your part that your "goal" of marriage is no longer about him anymore, or about what the two of you create together emotionally, but instead about formalizing a vision you formed years ago.

Think big, speak honestly, and be brave enough to let the right outcome reveal itself, instead of pushing for one you think you want. Or pushing away from one you're afraid of.

Comments

Tell Me About It: Mom needs reassurance of their gratitude

Mom needs reassurance of their gratitudeQ: Whenever my mother gives me or my family member a gift, she ends up asking about it several times afterward. Does not matter if it was $5 or expensive.We always thank her for gifts, and these comments feel l...
Updated: 5 hours ago

Tell Me About It: Sister-in-law’s gall is of epic proportions

Sister-in-law’s gall is of epic proportionsQ: I’m a two-time, currently-Stage IV breast cancer survivor. When I was told I needed a double mastectomy, I did the research and decided to "go flat."For dressy occasions, I wear prostheses, but they’re no...
Published: 01/16/18

Tell Me About It: Pregnancy makes move harder to bear

Pregnancy makes move harder to bearI’m 27 weeks pregnant and just moved to a new city for a great job, but I think I made a big mistake. I loved my old life and feel so homesick for it. But my husband and I bought a house, so moving is not a feasible...
Published: 01/15/18

Tell Me About It: Mom is floored by daughter’s pregnancy

Mom is floored by daughter’s pregnancyQ: I’m literally shaking as I type this. My 15-year-old daughter is pregnant. I can’t believe it. We had many good discussions about waiting until she was ready, using birth control when she was, but it all did n...
Published: 01/14/18

Tell Me About It: Social daughter pushes mom’s boundaries

Social daughter pushes mom’s boundariesQ: So I am an introvert, and it has taken me years to finally accept this and allow myself to be happy alone, rather than constantly trying to appease my extroverted family with attempts to socialize that ultima...
Published: 01/12/18
Top things to do in Tampa Bay for the week of Jan. 15-21

Top things to do in Tampa Bay for the week of Jan. 15-21

Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Celebrations happen all around Tampa Bay today, including the MLK Dream Big Parade in downtown St. Petersburg. It includes 110 units and bands, including Florida A&M and Tuskegee universities, and ends with a Family Fun Da...
Published: 01/11/18
Updated: 01/14/18
Here’s how to sing along to the entire Hamilton soundtrack at a Tampa library

Here’s how to sing along to the entire Hamilton soundtrack at a Tampa library

If you’re already singing along to the entire Hamilton soundtrack alone, why not meet like-minded folks and do it together?A Hamilton singalong goes down tonight at the Jimmie B. Keel Regional Library in Tampa. Fans will gather to sing the entire — y...
Published: 01/11/18
Updated: 01/12/18

Tell Me About It: Retiree searches for purpose and answers

Retiree searches for purpose and answersQ: I retired over a year ago from a fairly high-powered job that gave me worldwide recognition in my field. The decision to retire (in my mid-70s) was a very difficult one because I was not sure I could fill my...
Published: 01/11/18
Plan your weekend: MLK Day, Monster Jam, Sunshine Music Festival, comic Nikki Glaser, Christian artists at Winter Jam

Plan your weekend: MLK Day, Monster Jam, Sunshine Music Festival, comic Nikki Glaser, Christian artists at Winter Jam

  Holiday MLK Day: Before the parades on Monday in downtown St. Petersburg and Tampa’s Cuscaden Park, there will be a block party and battle of the bands on Sunday with the Florida A&M Rattlers, Tuskegee University’s Marching Crimso...
Published: 01/10/18
Updated: 01/12/18
Meet the monster trucks: Free truck displays around Tampa Bay

Meet the monster trucks: Free truck displays around Tampa Bay

Before Monster Jam invades Raymond James Stadium on Saturday, some of the show’s biggest stars will be on display across the Tampa Bay area. You can and take pictures with the 12-foot-tall, 10,000-pound monster trucks at the following free appearance...
Published: 01/10/18