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Tell Me About It: Maid of honor must choose a wedding

 
Published June 2, 2015

Q: My daughter was just officially engaged. She had a venue in mind and checked availability (a place that fills up quickly) to coincide with an annual family event next summer. It was available, so she booked it and sent in the deposit.

She then asked her cousin, my niece, to be her maid of honor, and in fact her only attendant. My niece said yes and also said a friend of hers had asked her to be in her wedding next summer, too, but no date was mentioned when she was asked.

Well, the date chosen by my niece's friend is the same as my daughter's. My niece's friend thinks because she asked first that my niece should be in her wedding (one of a couple of bridesmaids). My daughter thinks her invitation with a definite date supersedes the other request my niece received.

Does a "yes" answer without a definite date override a second request with a definite date attached?

MOB in AZ

A: Your niece is in a terrible spot.

Both of these brides can choose to be gracious: "I completely understand that you committed to the other bride first." "I completely understand that you committed to this date first."

That neither of them is doing so is unfortunate, and I hope someone in each of their camps who is a little more mature and a little less invested (ahem) will guide them accordingly. "Your cousin is in a terrible spot," I hope you'll advise your daughter. "Instead of pressuring her on top of that, a true friend will tell her that of course you want her at your side, but also understand she has to do what she thinks is right."

Stepping back will make it easier for your niece to say no to your daughter, yes. Counsel patience, though; the high road might ruin the day and save the friendship.

If this column sees daylight after your niece has already chosen the other wedding, then the mature adviser's role is to urge your daughter to forgive. Counsel grace, and model it yourself.