Sunday, September 23, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Man conflicted over wife vs. 'other woman'

Man conflicted over wife vs. 'other woman'

Q: My wife and I got married two years ago. Even though we'd been together for a long time, I was reluctant to take the plunge. She's smart, kind and beautiful, but I've never felt "it" for her.

About three years ago, I began an affair with my ex. Now that we've been "just friends" for a while, she's beginning to fade out of my life, but I still think about her incessantly and have a constant heartache in the (relatively short) periods when I don't hear from her.

I haven't told my wife, but I'm sure she knows something's been going on. She's beginning to talk about having kids, but I feel that would be wrong while the Other Woman is in the picture.

Still, every time I try to push her away, I keep thinking I'm making a terrible mistake and that she's the one I should be with. How will I know?

In Doubt

A: "(H)aving kids . . . would be wrong while the Other Woman is still in the picture"?

No, having kids would be wrong because you never felt "it" for your wife and married her while you were profoundly invested in someone else. Having kids with her would be wrong because marrying her was wrong. Cheating on her was wrong, too, but that seems to be the one wrong you're aware(ish) of.

The bigger wrong was to follow through on some misguided, dutiful impulse to marry someone you didn't (and still don't) want, even as every cell in your body gave you the message that this wasn't the right woman for you, and when all of those cells were regularly in bed with a different woman who apparently was/is at least closer to being right.

You're committing one of the most serious emotional crimes there is: Cheating? No. Wasting her time.

I can't speak for your wife, but if I were in this marriage, I'd want the truth so I could get out as soon as possible and get on with the business of building a new life on terms that aren't secretly undermining me. Threat to life and limb aside, I can't think of anything worse than living with someone who doesn't really want me there.

Comments

Tell Me About It: Bean-counting brother needs a lesson in kindness

Q: My sister owns a few apartment buildings and my mother lives there rent-free. My mother plans to give my sister slightly more in her will. Our brother is angry about this, he wants my sister to just charge our mother rent. My sister thinks our mom...
Published: 09/21/18
Mark your calendar for these Halloween events

Mark your calendar for these Halloween events

13 Ugly Men Halloween PartyThese "ugly" men sure know how to party with three floors offering new tricks and treats, DJ dancing and a light show making the 10th annual Halloween party a "Party with a Purpose." Benefits Beat NB. 8 p.m. Oct. 26. Yborís...
Published: 09/19/18

Tell Me About It: Frequently displaced wife has had enough moves

Q: I have been married to my second husband for 24 years. We have a 16-year-old and I have two adult children.I have moved seven times in 17 years for his job. He didnít have to quit and take another job, but they were opportunities for him to climb ...
Published: 09/19/18
Where to find kid-friendly, not-so-scary Halloween fun

Where to find kid-friendly, not-so-scary Halloween fun

Spare the gore and take the kids to these family-friendly Halloween parties planned at theme parks and attractions in the coming weeks. Creatures of the Night at ZooTampa The weekend nighttime Halloween party at ZooTampa at Lowry Park returns with...
Published: 09/18/18

Tell Me About It: Busy couple seeks ways to downsize for the future

Q: Over a decade, my salary has tripled (Iím quite well-paid now), my work hours and responsibilities have increased, and ó because Iím so frequently tired or short on time ó my "outsourcing" has increased, too. Think: frequent takeout, a dog-walker,...
Published: 09/18/18

Tell Me About It: Parents want bully brother to be his best man

Q: Iím getting married. Thatís awesome. However, my parents want me to ask my brother to be my best man. The idea of letting my brother, whoís spent his whole life being the biggest jerk he can manage, stand up and give a speech about me makes me wan...
Published: 09/17/18

Tell Me About It: Mom is frustrated by teenís dislike of academics

Q: I have a 15-year-old son who is obviously bright but hates school. My husband and I canít helicopter him to success because (a) we donít want to be helicopter parents, and (b) he has developed ninja-like skills when it comes to evading any attempt...
Updated one month ago

Tell Me About It: In search of ways to stop the family over-talker

Q: During extended family get-togethers with my side of the family, there is one person who does 95 percent of the talking. When I ask someone else in the room a question about their lives, this person always jumps in and takes over the conversation ...
Updated one month ago
Busch Gardens reveals plans for Tigris, Florida's tallest launch roller coaster

Busch Gardens reveals plans for Tigris, Florida's tallest launch roller coaster

Busch Gardens will open Florida’s tallest launch coaster in spring 2019, company officials announced Wednesday. The triple-launch, tiger-themed roller coaster called Tigris will hurl riders 150 feet into the sky, turn them upside down and swirl...
Published: 09/12/18

Tell Me About It:

Mom-to-be decides who will join her in deliveryQ: I am six months pregnant with my first child. Iíve been fixated a bit on who to have in the delivery room with me, I think because itís one of the few elements I can control in this pregnancy. Should ...
Updated one month ago