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Tell Me About It: Mom fears too much emphasis on beauty

 
Published Dec. 18, 2014

Q: How do I respond to the numerous adults who tell me, in front of my 10-year-old daughter, how pretty she is? I tend to just say thanks and move on (sometimes these are people I know, and sometimes not), but I'm beginning to worry how this is affecting her. She and her friends are starting to become much more body/image conscious and I don't want all these compliments to make her more so. How to deal?

Anonymous

A: Have you ever asked her how she feels when people do this? Run it by her next time this happens; it could lead to an interesting conversation about looks and values (hers, yours, society's) and what well-meaning doofuses people can be. Bringing her into the conversation will do orders of magnitude more for her intellectual and emotional self-awareness, I expect, than telling her or others how smart/funny/empathetic she is.

On one hand she's shady, the other crazy

Q: My boyfriend and I get along great but sometimes have completely different views on things. For example, I'm okay with doing things alone, anywhere. He feels that if we go somewhere together we should spend every second together, and he thinks it's shady that I don't feel that way.

On the other hand, I feel like if I ask him where he is every so often, he can tell me. He thinks it's crazy behavior on my part.

For the record, his marriage ended in divorce, and my last relationship ended because my ex cheated.

Different Perspectives

A: It's "shady" for you to move about freely, but "crazy" if you want to know where he is?

Besides the fact that I regard being called (or considered) "shady" a breakup offense, this admittedly small snapshot suggests a potentially dangerous pairing of a controlling, insecure person with a self-doubting one.