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Tell Me About It: Mom resents daughter's time with in-laws

 
Published Jan. 14, 2017

Mom resents daughter's time with in-laws

Q: After another weekend hosting my parents, I'm at a loss for how to end a recurring fight with my mother. She perceives that we spend more time with my husband's family and/or enjoy their company more . . . and as a result, her feelings are hurt.

We've tried to minimize comparisons, not tell her about our activities with his family, ask her to let us know if she doesn't feel she's had enough time or wants to do something specific with us — to no avail.

The truth is, I didn't have a very happy childhood, I don't have very many good memories, and I don't enjoy my parents' company.

My husband and I have a great relationship with his family and genuinely enjoy their company.

Short of saying, "I don't like you very much and I'm just barely tolerating you so that I don't have guilt later in life," how do I stop this cycle?

Recurring-Fighter

A: There's an easy, surface option here, where you just point out to your mom that if she wants more and happier time together, then perhaps she oughtn't spend a chunk of that time dredging up an old argument.

Still, it leaves the real problem unaddressed: that she's on to you. You don't like your parents, you'd rather be doing something else when they visit, and it shows.

So it's on you to change your part, with love and care: Get out of the past and present rut. Become more thoughtful in planning these visits, for example. Plan to cook together, sightsee, get tickets for a game or show.

Or, run it by your husband to include your parents in his family's gatherings.

Or, note your parents' interests, pick the most palatable to you, and cultivate that interest yourself.

Instead of getting by, try getting creative. Duty gets you there but it doesn't bring you closer. Make that your cue to figure out something that will.