Sunday, May 27, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Move on and leave past hurts behind

to keep moving and leave past hurts behind

Q: My husband of 10 years has been having an affair with a married woman. I moved out; we're getting divorced. I am coping with the help of good friends and a good therapist.

My question is about the woman's husband, who, according to my husband, doesn't know about the affair or her plans to leave her marriage. I don't know if I should contact him or not.

On the one hand, I want to because I'm angry and I'd like to upset her life as much as she's upset mine.

On the other, I cringe at the idea of tracking down a stranger and telling him this awful news. It seems sneaky and petty and I don't like it. And if he does know and has just accepted the situation, I hate that scenario even more.

I really don't want to be involved anymore. I just want to get out of this situation and get on with my life. Contacting her husband would keep me very much involved. I'd become a participant rather than a disgusted bystander. What do you advise?

The Other Spouse

A: I don't need to advise anything, except to suggest you reread your own letter. You wrote your way to the answer yourself: "I really don't want to be involved anymore. I just want to get out of this situation."

If it helps to keep you centered, think of all things marriage and affair as smoking wreckage behind you, which you return to and pick through only when there's an absolute necessity, by your own definition of such. Otherwise, you're all forward, all tomorrow, all you.

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