Q: I recently started dating a man whom I really like, and the feeling is mutual. I haven't felt this connected to someone in years, but there is a gigantic red flag waving right in my face and I don't know what to do. For all of his wonderful qualities, he and I do not feel the same way about having children; he wants them, and I very much do not.
We have been dating less than a month, so we are still just getting to know one another, but I don't think he really believes me about not wanting kids because he makes jokes about surrogacy, adoption or having a nanny raise the kids for us.
I feel like it's too soon in this relationship to seriously get into such a deep and touchy subject, but I worry that we're wasting our time. Do I let things play out to see if there is actually long-term potential, or do I need to nip this in the bud now?
No Kidding
Carolyn: His jokes are your opening, and obligation, to be clear: "You're making jokes, but I think it's important that you know I'm very serious. If it's kids or bust, then I'm not the one."
If both of you enjoy each other's company enough, and can see the value in fun-while-it-lasts companionship, then this needn't be the end of your friendship. You just need to end the phase of wishful thinking on the kid topic, assuming there is some.
Anonymous: Twenty-five years ago, I was in a really good relationship with a woman who didn't want kids, and I very much did. It was a deal-breaker for me, and we ended the relationship. And now, 25 years later? I never found another relationship that was as good, and never had kids. So I guess I'd suggest that you not end it now, and give it a chance to see if one of you changes your mind as to whether this admittedly serious disagreement is worth ending a potentially good relationship.
Carolyn: I don't have words, except thank you.