Advertisement

Tell Me About It: Potential lover deserves up-front honesty

 
Published May 20, 2015

front honesty

Q: For almost a decade now, I have been close friends with an incredibly kind, compassionate, sweet, and altogether special man. We have been spending a great deal of time together, and I am beginning to envision a romantic future with him. He has alluded several times to wanting to take our relationship to the next level.

Unfortunately, I have one hang-up that makes me feel incredibly vain and shallow: I don't find him physically attractive. My friend doesn't exercise — never has; it doesn't interest him in the slightest — and while I didn't think it bothered me, it does.

Does physical attraction develop over time? I don't feel like it's my place to push him to work out or eat right, especially since we are still just friends. Should I just move on from this to someone I am wholly attracted to?

Fit Friend

A: The time to be a better, deeper and less vain person is after you've committed yourself to someone. When you're on the threshold of romance, with nothing invested beyond some mental what-ifs, that's when you want to listen to the pettiest side of yourself, and recognize you won't be happy unless that side is happy.

So while, yes, physical attraction does often develop over time, so do resentment and disgust. Plus, getting together with the hope that one of you will change is the beginning of most unhappy endings.

I agree that it's not your place — as friend or spouse or in between — to push him to firm up his habits, but I don't love the idea of just "moving on from this," either. You're apparently not teenagers; why not be honest with him? Admitting this might bring unwelcome consequences, but he deserves to know who you are, what you value and why you're turning him down.

Last thought: Someone chiseled now can sag later. "Would I still love him squishy?" is something you especially need to ask yourself, because fairness demands that you hold out for "yes."