Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Readers discuss attraction and funerals

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On the power of the mind:

Anonymous: Try mentally reframing your attraction to your partner. Culturally we seem inclined to treat attraction as an involuntary, have-it-or-don't type of thing. To a certain extent that's true. However, within limits — both of your own mental flexibility and your individual orientation/preferences — you can still "teach" your mind to like previously unattractive things.

It's an extension of the way fondness can grow as you get to know a person.

It feels weird at first to try to push your mind this way, but as long as it's within realistic limits and for a positive goal, I've found it to be really worthwhile.

On the "always attend the funeral" exceptions:

C.: There are many reasons not to attend a funeral. And one should not be required to provide a "proper" excuse or be ostracized for failure to attend a funeral.

Raised by my elderly grandmother, I grew up attending funerals frequently. My older sister had an unfortunate experience at one and would only attend thereafter if she was taken with force. As an adult, she does not attend any. It is a family joke that she is unlikely to attend even her own funeral. I am reluctant to attend funerals as I have gotten older because my crying has become increasingly uncontrollable.

There are many other ways to show support for a person who has lost a loved one. Some people like a person to sit at the house during the service to deter thieves. If there is a post-service reception, someone could be setting up the food for after the service. A person may sit quietly with the bereaved and hold a hand or just listen. There are a multitude of ways to show support without attending the funeral.

The grieving does not stop at the funeral. Ask the grieving if they would like to talk about their loss. Ask them if they need anything.

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