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Tell Me About It: Refusal to apologize could be deal breaker

 
Published July 14, 2017

Q: My partner said something hurtful, which was not meant to hurt me but did. After I explained why it hurt and how I felt, he refused to apologize for hurting my feelings.

When I explained that people who care about each other are supposed to apologize if they cause hurt even unintentionally, and I consider being able to do so an essential relationship skill, he said he "could just give me a sincere-sounding but fake apology." However, he wouldn't do that because it is important to him to be honest.

He doesn't think what he said should have hurt my feelings because he clarified it.

I find myself lastingly troubled by his refusal to simply apologize for hurting me. He has offered about six variations of "I'm sorry you feel that way" to add insult to injury.

Am I correct to conclude this person is giving me every reason to believe he doesn't care about my feelings as much as he cares for his pride?

I'm trying to find some way to justify staying in the relationship but I haven't yet.

Sorry I Only Date Grown Folks

A: I see your point. I support the free flow of apologies. I can step on my husband's toe after fully not intending to step on it, and will still ungrudgingly say, "Sorry! You OK?"

But: If he responds to my accidental toe-step by howling as if I sledgehammered him on purpose, then I might suddenly (and yes, pettily and wrongly) get stingy on owning my part.

If someone credibly explains the innocence of a comment I found offensive, then I'm saying, "I get it now, thanks" — not, "You still owe me an apology."

He feels misunderstood and over-prosecuted for an errant remark, and you feel misunderstood and under-nurtured for an injury. All me, no us.

So I'll ask this: Do you actually like him? Yes or no. Stay or go.

If stay, then do so by dropping your dukes. See whether he does the same.