Friday, January 19, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: She blames herself for being assaulted

Q: I went on a vacation years ago with one of my closest friends and her friends. On a night on the town, I was drugged and ended up being fondled and kissed by a man my group had met earlier.

I returned home and never said anything about the incident to my boyfriend of almost 10 years. I now want to seriously start considering marriage, however I feel wracked with guilt that I allowed myself to be put in such a precarious situation, and that I have never told the one I love. Do you think telling him this long after (almost six years) would do more harm than good?

Anonymous

A: This did not happen to you because "I allowed myself to be put in such a precarious situation," but because you were drugged and assaulted. That's it. It was wrong and awful and a crime and you deserve care and support, not condemnation — primarily from yourself but from others, too.

Please tell someone about this who is trained to help you. Discussing this crime will also help you decide when and how to tell people you love. Take care.

Dad's 'discomfort" smells like racism

Q: My husband is uncomfortable with our 20-year-old white son dating a black woman. When he asks why his feelings are wrong, what can I say besides, "Because they are"?

What Can I Say?

A: What I'd like to know, and what you need to know to go forward: What is at the front of his mind here? Is he worried this choice will make your son's life harder? That's the old I'm-not-a-racist-but-everyone-else-is dodge. Or was he raised amid biases he never questioned? Or is he just a freestanding bigot and circumstances never lined up in a way that revealed this to you before?

So find out. You have to do better than "because they are" if you want him to do better than "uncomfortable feelings."

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