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Tell Me About It: She wants him to check in

 
Published Sept. 8, 2014

concern may be a sign of something bigger

Q: I feel hurt when I don't hear from my boyfriend during the day, but he maintains that we should be fine just reconnecting when we both get home from work. He usually works until 9 or 10 p.m., though, leaving me feeling lonely and unmoored. A simple check-in text would be enough. Is this too much to ask?

Anonymous

A: Apparently it is to him, because you asked and he said no.

So, now you have to decide: Is this important enough to you — or an indication of an important enough difference between you two — to warrant breaking up?

I'm actually not nudge-nudging you one way or the other. It's entirely up to you how you prioritize this. Just don't rationalize, and, for the love of cheesesteaks, stop shopping around for people to agree with you that you're asking very little and therefore he "should" send an assurance text. Nuh-uh.

He is who he is, so are you okay with him that way? That's the only unit of measure that makes any sense to use.

One more thing. When you are in a healthy relationship, you will not feel "lonely and unmoored" daily. The deeper problem that needs your attention is finding the source of your anxiety. Did you choose a guy who doesn't suit you and/or whom you don't suit, leading you to crave validation? Or will no man suit you because you're looking for men to fill a vacancy in your life that only you can fill?

Tough questions, but if you're both honest with yourself and attentive to the context, past and present, you will get to the answers — and get your evenings back.