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Tell Me About It: Sister's dislike of her boyfriend is extreme

 
Published June 2, 2016

Q: I am a 21-year-old Mexican woman in a wonderful relationship with a 21-year-old white male. My boyfriend and I are deeply in love and have been together for a year and a half. He has talked about us moving in and getting married in the next few years. My parents are overjoyed and love him to death. My sister however ... she does not approve.

To be blunt, she is prejudiced against him for being white. She has a crazy idea that he is only fetishizing me, using me, and will murder me.

Am I really forced to choose between my family and my happiness?

Heartbroken in Texas

A: It's not often that declaring someone a murderer constitutes a favor, but your sister has done you one here. Had her panic been less hyperbolic, you'd be in the difficult position of never being able to disprove her accusations.

That is, if your sister's concern for your safety is genuine and will go away if plainly disproven. I have my doubts about that, which I'll get to in a second.

In the meantime, stand up for your boyfriend as needed but otherwise chill; certainly don't pick out a frame for all this as dramatic as "choos(ing) between my family and my happiness." You're happy and your family (mostly) loves him! No terrible choices necessary.

Attempts to persuade Sis aren't necessary, either. Assure her you're sorry she feels this way; have weighed her concerns carefully; feel confident her fears aren't warranted; and hope time will assure her of his worth as it has assured you.

You can continue by saying you are, or easily could be, deeply insulted by her implication that your only appeal is in being seen as exotic and he couldn't possibly love you for who you are.

Her charges are so charged, in fact, that you need to be ready for her to come up with new concerns as soon as you put these to rest. It's possible she is upset for her own reasons and this is where it's emerging. Try listening more; she could be unready to let you go.