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Tell Me About It: Take new approach with stubborn father

 
Published Nov. 25, 2016

Q: My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s, living together, three hours away from our respective parents.

His parents are great. They raised three boys, all happy and healthy and leading their own lives. Dad holds strong family values but has a really hard time even considering anyone else's point of view, especially his kids'. I see how upset this makes my boyfriend, and am running out of ways to say, "I get it, he either doesn't want to or can't." It's making for tense phone calls and what I anticipate to be a rough holiday season.

Is there a way to ask for someone else's tolerance of your opinion and thoughts?

Sad and Frustrated

A: There's always a way to ask.

But asking doesn't make it so, as you know, unless the askee bends to your will. And it sounds as if this dad's image of himself is of the person to whom all others bend. It's a fight his ego needs him to win.

That doesn't make it hopeless — just difficult.

There are a few ways to go. One is for your boyfriend to be blunt but kind: "Dad, this is a frustrating conversation. When you stick to your argument like this, I feel like you don't respect what I have to say."

When that fails, there's the tactic of co-opting his dad's ego for his own cause. "Dad, remember you did a great job raising me — to have my own strong opinions, like you." (Boyish grin.)

When that fails, your boyfriend can, with time and emotional hard work, see that it's his father's problem that he's too insecure to accept that anyone knows something he doesn't. Understanding it's not your boyfriend's problem besides being a conversational nuisance will free him to ignore it. "Oh-kay, Dad. (Change subject.)" Granted, this will feel like he's distancing himself from Dad, but it's actually the father's need to be right all the time that widens the distance between them.

So at least try to convey these ideas to your boyfriend next time he's upset.