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Tell Me About It: Use a checklist to find root of unhappiness

 
Published Nov. 13, 2016

Carolyn Hax is on leave. The following is a past column.

Q: I have a bit of an open-ended question. When I'm unhappy, I tend to want to change everything — job, relationships, etc. — at once. It's hard for me to decipher where I'm unhappy and what the best ways are to change things, rather than blow up my whole life. Are there ways to start to unpack all of this?

Time to Leave?

A: When you have the urge to blow up everything, the most prominent common denominator is you, right? So, the question waiting for an answer is, why don't you feel like you're living the right life for you?

Big stuff. That's why, absent an epiphany, the best place to start is with small steps toward getting healthy. Are you getting enough sleep, being conscientious about any health issues, eating well,?

If you're maintaining your physical health, then move on to your emotional health: Are you putting effort into the people who are good for you, and distancing yourself from takers, criticizers, enablers or those who otherwise bring out your worst? Are you saying "yes" when you should, and "no" when you should?

If your physical and emotional habits are solid, then move on to temporary rut-busting: a vacation. Or, a weekend road trip, or even a day trip, or just lunch with a friend you haven't seen lately.

If you have an antibiotic-resistant strain of the blahs, then it's time to weigh the big, external pieces of your life, like where you live, what you do for a living, whom you befriend, date and trust.

But even then, start small: Can any of these be tweaked, versus blown up? Can you walk away from anything temporarily, via sabbatical, temporary reassignment, trial separation, "a break"?

Should you get this far without relief, you'll still have information toward understanding why demolition is your first impulse when you're unhappy. After all, the blow-up solution pretty much assures that you can avoid facing that thing you so badly want to avoid, whereas a methodical approach will take you to its door.