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Tell Me About It: Wife wishes spouse liked her new friends

 
Published Nov. 5, 2015

Q: My wife has made a couple of new friends, and she goes out and does things with them a time or two a week. I'm fine with that.

Now she would like our families to have regular get-togethers. I've spent a little time with all of them, and I'm just not interested in spending significant amounts of time with these people beyond the rare holiday party or similar event.

She accuses me of "keeping her from her friends" somehow by not wanting to do things as families. How much time/effort do I have to put into my wife's friendships?

Anonymous

A: Your wife has a point. You are keeping her from her friends, no air-quotes, in a very specific way: She can only ever see them in a girl's-night-type context or flying solo when they gather as families. That's limiting. She may envision these friendships deepening into a community, the kind where you help out with each other's kids, or have impromptu potluck dinners, or maybe even travel together. When it works, it's a beautiful thing.

Saying no to that is your prerogative, of course; if you don't like these friends then the shared-lake-house thing just isn't going to happen.

Saying no as if it's not a big deal, though, when she thinks it is, comes across as dismissive. Consider these two phrasings:

"I don't stop you from seeing them without me, so I don't get what the problem is";

"I understand why you want this, and wish I could give it to you, but I just don't enjoy these friends the way you do."

Which "no" will go down smoothly, and which will burn?

Even better than Option 2 — and to answer your question — follow up with an offer to give it a try anyway. Maybe one gathering a month or so, with an open mind, for her.

That shows you value her and her happiness even as you deny her something meaningful — which is when that message matters the most.