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Tell Me About It: Wife's support is key is spouse's life crisis

 
Published Sept. 22, 2016

spouse's life crisis

Q: When we read my father-in-law's will a few weeks ago, we learned he left a sum of money to a much younger daughter he had out of wedlock about 45 years ago. The attorney said he advised him to leave her money or else she could contest the will and get a share anyway, which means she obviously knew who my father-in-law was and that he died.

My husband and his brothers are floored by this, mostly because it changes the opinion they have of their father.

My husband has a lot of questions about his sister, her mother, and their affair. I think it's natural to be curious about this. The sister hasn't responded to any communication from us.

My husband wants to request his sister's birth certificate and try to piece this story together. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I don't really know why. I am having a hard time supporting my husband when he talks about that route, and I'm not sure how to be there for him during this crisis.

Anonymous

A: Your husband is midway through a massive paradigm shift — everything he thought he understood about his dad, family and self is now open to new interpretations. Of course he wants more information.

People undergoing an emotional upheaval tend to throw themselves into whatever they believe will help things make sense.

So your role is, in many ways, just to get out of the way. Having strong opinions about what he should and shouldn't do or feel is not going to be welcome; that'll just make you another front in this larger battle he feels he has to fight.

Get out of the way, but stand by as a kind of guardrail. Let him pursue this information, say you understand why he's upset, agree his feelings are justified ... and save your intervention leverage for keeping him from doing something rash or harmful.

Empathy, compassion and calm are three things you can bring to this mess.