Sunday, November 19, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Woman fears she pushed fiance into proposing and now has doubts

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Q: I'm 25 and engaged to the guy I've dated since I was 20. I feel like I've always been the one pushing the relationship forward, from wanting to be exclusive to giving an ultimatum that I was going to leave him if he didn't propose by the time I turned 25 last summer.

He moved out of my condo once, then moved back in a year later, a few months before the engagement. Then a couple of months ago he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me, and I flipped out and said, "Fine, move out," before leaving on a business trip. He then changed his mind before I got back.

We've been to a therapist twice, and he swears he's committed to me. But now I'm thinking that I was so busy chasing him when we were dating, I ignored a lot of flaws (he's great on paper — Ivy League lawyer, good cook, attractive). How do I tell if this is just prewedding jitters, or if my worries are not what a normal person feels before their wedding?

Engaged

A: You say you "ignored a lot of flaws" — as if your fiance's shortcomings are the problem. They're a problem, sure, since there's troubling cowardice in his actions, but the problem needing your attention above all is your own frailty.

Take a hard look, both at him and the relationship. Do you love who he is, not just what, as he deserves? When you're alone, are you comfortable, safe, yourselves? Are you willing to test that by admitting to him what you've written here? And offering to call things off, without drama, out of respect for him? You've done some obvious growing up to get to this point. For your sake and his, please finish that process, stat.

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