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Tell Me About It: Women's lack of joy should be addressed

 
Published Dec. 8, 2015

Q: I'm a 40-year-old woman and I realized I don't remember being actually happy for any moment in my life. I wasn't upset at my happy times, just kind of numb. And I have three kids and a husband.

That's not normal, right? Something's holding me back from experiencing joy. The things I do enjoy are superficial, like a television show or a good piece of chocolate. On the other hand, I don't cry much.

I told my husband I wanted to get therapy for myself, and while he thought that was fine, he didn't seem to think I really needed it. But, I'm tired of not being happy.

No Happiest Moments?

A: Then therapy is an excellent idea — and don't get discouraged if you don't get results with the first person you see.

You ask, "That's not normal, right?" and that's a hard question to answer. I won't say "you're depressed" because I'm just a layman here, but for the sake of argument, let's say you do have depression — that's actually normal, given how common depression is.

It's also possible you have felt joy but your current mental state is not permitting you to remember how that felt. That's certainly a normal byproduct of mental illness.

And, I think it's perfectly normal for many pleasures to be "superficial." Nothing wrong with those.

In fact, those pleasures — and the capacity to feel them — can buoy you as you take on the tougher issue of why you feel numb.

It's also normal, I think, that your husband failed to see past your surface contentment. If you're working to keep up the appearance of happiness, often you'll succeed.

So let's leave normalcy out of it as too problematic, and try these questions instead: "Am I content with the status quo?" And if no: "Are there treatments that can improve my quality of life?"

That's a yes, so do find yourself a skilled and reputable therapist. I expect it'll be a disorienting process at times, but, having been through a similar one myself, I also expect it'll be worth it.