Sunday, December 17, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: You can't get it right if women are wrong for you

'Either-or' won't work if women you're dating aren't right for you

Q: I'm dating two different women. One lives near me in Virginia and one is on the other coast. They both know about the other but neither of them likes it. Virginia girl wants an exclusive relationship. West Coast girl doesn't seem to care.

I know deep down that Virginia girl is better for me. She's almost perfect intellectually, spiritually, interest-wise, except I have very little physical attraction to her. On the other hand, the chemistry with West Coast girl is off the charts.

As long as they both know about each other, is it okay to go on like this for a while? I don't want to hurt either one of them but I don't want to choose right now. I hate that society puts such pressure on us to be in monogamous relationships. And not that it matters, but I'm not a 20-something guy. I'm an older woman. Does that change the dynamic?

Compatible?

A: No, because the dynamic is that you're with two wrong people instead of two potentially right ones.

This is still not about choosing, though — it's about how long you're willing to find happiness in two people (who provide it grudgingly, it seems) because neither one really fits.

You've been honest, so I can argue that you don't need to choose for their sakes; they can act in their own interests. If you'd prefer monogamy, then that's an argument for ending this arrangement for your own sake.

Note, I didn't say "an argument for choosing": Virginia girl is not "better for me," she's a dead-end street because you obviously value chemistry. West Coast girl is not "better," either, unless you value her companionship as much as you do her passion. Thinking in either-or terms is so needlessly limiting. There are more than two women on earth.

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