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Tell Me About It: Young stepmom is judged by other moms

 
Published June 11, 2015

Q: I married someone quite a bit older, and now I am a stay-at-home stepmother to his two daughters, 13 and 11. Because he and his ex-wife are so busy with their careers, there's ample space for me to volunteer at their schools and be involved in their social lives.

When interacting with other moms, I get a lot of, "You look too young to be their mom!" , and when I explain I'm the stepmom, I immediately get stonewalled. I think these other moms think they know my life story as soon as they find out that I, 26, am married to (and currently supported by) someone their own age. It is 10 times worse when my husband is in the room.

How can I make these other moms feel more comfortable with me? Real, concrete suggestions would be nice. Also, how do I deliver the narrative about my marriage so they don't make assumptions that aren't true?

Maryland

A: The friendship of snarky, judgy people doesn't sound worth your trouble. Plus, trying to win their approval sounds about as promising as any other effort to be liked — as in, not very, but with high risk of undermining the self-worth of the person trying. Then of course there's the narrative, which you owe to no one, certainly not to defend yourself against assumptions that were unfair and unfounded in the first place.

I do want to help you make this situation better — I just don't think launching a "Like me!" offensive makes as much sense as just waiting this out: Soon enough, people will get used to seeing you around and won't need to know your story.

As for practical tips: Look to your stepdaughters' friends, because their parents will get used to the idea of you soonest. Also, look for people who aren't clumped with other parents. Some will be loners, but others likely just haven't been absorbed by any particular group, for whatever reason, and will appreciate friendly overtures.