Saturday, January 20, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It:

Q: My parents have been unwelcoming toward my husband of two years. They've never corrected him when he calls them "Mr." and "Mrs." When my mom and I leave the men alone, my dad abandons him, affording only the briefest and most surface-level of conversations.

I know the reason behind their coldness: They don't approve of his career and moneymaking potential. It's become so awkward that my last two visits, he didn't even bother to come.

What can I say? "I want you to be nicer to my husband"? "Please stop giving him the cold shoulder"? What if they refuse? Do I stop my visits too?

Interceding for Spouse

A: You can say that in freezing him out they push you away; that in judging him by surface standards they not only insult you both but embarrass themselves; that you're asking them only to try to see him through your eyes.

There are two things I can say: None of this excuses a failure to say, "Please, call us Joan and David," when the Mr.-and-Mrs. act lasted past the point of silliness, so you can talk your way to a solution there; and nothing you say will solve the problem of "the briefest and most surface-level of conversations."

When you do ask them for a basic level of effort and civility, they can refuse, of course — in which case you'll have a decision to make. The choices range from showing up with your husband as a form of quiet insistence on his proper place in this family, to playing the middle (seeing parents sans husband, for example), to seeing your parents less, to severing the tie outright.

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