Saturday, February 24, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Is saying there are choices really just blaming the victim?

Is saying there are choices really just blaming the victim?

Q: I recently read The Gift of Fear, and was discussing it online. I was bothered when some said they felt that Gavin de Becker is a victim-blamer, specifically in saying victims of domestic violence do have a choice of what action to take after being harmed.

I had actually agreed with him on that, and thought it was a freeing way to think — that you're never trapped, that you're not stuck as a victim forever. I'm not sure if I was agreeing with misogyny by accident, or if I was just being taken in by keyboard justice warriors with nothing better to police. I wanted your opinion, since I know you recommend the book so frequently.

Anonymous

A: I've certainly heard (and received) criticism along those lines, but I agree with you that the information de Becker gives is intended to empower people to get out of these bad situations, or ideally prevent them from happening.

To equate that to victim-blaming strikes me as unfair, and also counterproductive. I can see why some people do it; it's easy to interpret "There are ways out!" as having an implied corollary: ". . . therefore, if the victim doesn't get out, it's the victim's fault." But making that leap oversimplifies abuse.

If it were a given that everyone knew and understood what certain danger signs looked like, then none of us would miss them. If we all knew where these exit opportunities were or how to take advantage of them, then everyone would get out — and de Becker and his book would have no purpose. He'd just be stating the obvious.

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