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Tell Me About It: Food getting in way of friendship

 
Published June 6, 2014

Q: My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose dietary needs have changed over the eight years we've known them. When we first met, we would often hang out and have some beer or wine and food, which often included a shared love of bread, cheese, meats, ice cream, etc. After a couple of years of knowing them, the wife began to struggle with intestinal issues, and finally after a year or so of discomfort, decided to go gluten-free. Within six months she also eliminated dairy. Now they have started the Paleo diet. I can tell she is feeling better physically, and I am truly happy for her.

We don't hang out with them as a couple anymore. It seems as if the husbands can get together to grab a beer, or she and I may get together at a coffee shop where she can have tea. But the days of getting together for a meal seem to be over.

I also can't seem to get together with her without being preached the "gospel" of dietary restrictions. I find myself avoiding her, and also just wanting to shake her and say, "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! And I want to die with a piece of baguette slathered in triple-creme Brie in my hand!!" This does not seem like a sound approach. Any suggestions?

I Want My Cake and My Friendship Too

A: I think that's the perfect approach.

You are friends! And you see how much better she feels on her new diet! And you are happy for her! You simply don't want to make the same change she did!

So why not just say that, in the you-know-I-love-you way that only true friends can pull off?

Or, maybe your friendship has never had that tone. Since you're already ending the friendship, passively or otherwise, what do you have to lose by stating how you feel, what you loved, why you've drifted? Make it a deal, even: "I so miss our dinners together, all four of us. What say I serve nothing but Paleo, and in return we talk about anything but Paleo?"