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Published July 18, 2014

Q: Yesterday, I was putting my son down for a nap in my in-laws' guest room. Through the magic of their HVAC system, I could hear my mother- and sister-in-law tearing me apart — everything from my shyness (they think I'm cold) to the value of my work ("I can't believe people get paid for that!") to my mother's health ("such a [bleeping] drama-queen hypochondriac" — my mother has had cancer twice) to my haircut (I agree, but I can't control how fast my hair grows).

I've always done my best to maintain a good relationship with my in-laws and had a feeling they talk about me behind my back (because they talk about everyone else), but I never thought it would be this hurtful and bad.

I haven't talked to my husband about this yet. Should I confront them (making me an eavesdropper in their eyes)? Just let it go? Let my husband confront them? Start repeating their exact words back to them in a seemingly innocent manner?

Overheard

A: Talk to your husband. He should know what you're up against and be an equal partner in the discussion about how you deal with his family from now on. You might decide not to change much (since the nastiness isn't new, it's just confirmed), but it'll still feel better as a joint decision.

Remind yourself they don't hate you this much. Instead, they use you (and apparently others) to tighten their bond and feel superior. Scapegoating has to be as old as humanity. I'm sorry you're being used that way, but it is surmountable, if you want it to be.