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Tell Me About It: Couple's tiffs indicate issues of trust<p></p>

 
Published April 27, 2015

Couple's tiffs indicate issues of trust

Q: My husband and I have recently started saving for a home, which means clamping down on our budget. I suggested we set a per-person amount to spend on birthday gifts for immediate family. He, however, thinks it's fair to set a per-family amount, to be distributed evenly over the members of that family.

I have four siblings, and he only has one. With his arrangement, each of my siblings would get a $20 gift, while his brother would get an $80 gift. My husband heatedly argued that it's not fair that I "get to spend so much more of our money" on my family. But in my mind, we both share one big combined family. And his arrangement says his brother deserves nicer gifts than my siblings.

On a side note, I actually constantly feel my family members, as well as my friends, aren't ever as good or as important as his. He always has something negative to say about them, and while one of his friends can drop by and spend the night on our couch without any mention to me, it can turn into a huge heated debate if I even ask to have one of my friends over. It's really starting to hurt my feelings and my self-esteem.

Am I out of line? Or is he being unfair?

Confused Wife

A: There's room for different, reasonable opinions on gift expenses and friends. Accordingly, partners who trust each other are flexible about this and other small stuff.

Partners who don't trust each other, on the other hand, will fight over small stuff as if their entire selves are at stake.

Both of you need to give equal weight to your needs, the other's needs and the needs of the marriage — and both of you need to trust that the other is doing this, too. Without both of these elements, you will approach issues in your marriage, large and small, with an eye to protecting what's yours — meaning, with an eye to winning the argument and getting what you want instead of finding an outcome that serves you both, even if it wasn't exactly what either of you had in mind.