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Tell Me About It: Grandparents hit a nerve with ownership of newborns

 
Published June 24, 2015

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On stepping on parental toes by calling a grandchild "my baby":

When I was 4, my little sister was diagnosed as autistic. As you might imagine, my parents were distressed with the news. Or, as my mom tells it, "I wouldn't have freaked out so bad if the world had been ending."

But my paternal grandfather had a way with words, and told them, "You're scared, but you're not alone. She's my daughter, too."

Twenty years later, and my parents still tell that story, and still retreat to that memory when they're sad or scared. It's quite a legacy for my grandfather to leave.

Yes We Can Share

I've also upset my daughter-in-laws (as well as my daughters) by saying "my baby." When hit with the inevitable "It's not your baby," I respond with, "Of course that's my baby. Just as much as you are, my little (insert silly nickname here)!"

Amazing things happen during that exchange. Mom stops feeling threatened, "Granny" lets Mom know she will always be there and Mom realizes that Granny loves her just as much as she does the baby.

Mothers-in-law have a bad reputation because too few reach out in love to their daughters-in-law. My first comment to any new mother is, "You did a great job, Mom!" Lack of respect never improves a bad relationship.

Happy Granny

I would like to suggest a solution — or detente — to the tensions over who gets to call a newborn "my baby." As a mom of two young children, I tend to sympathize with the new mothers. But ultimately, I think we can look to the kids for an answer. Children remind us every day with their quips, style and idiosyncrasies that they belong to no one but themselves.

Maryland