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Tell Me About It: Readers give advice on wedding conflicts and comments on weight

 
Published June 24, 2015

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On jockeying for wedding dates, venues, baby names:

Decades ago when travel wasn't what it is now, at the same time my boyfriend from Oregon proposed to me, an East Coast girl, his younger brother proposed to his California girl. Because of various career-related circumstances, they planned a large wedding for about a month before we planned to marry, which meant not even his family would be able to attend ours. My very wise husband-to-be took an incredibly kind and long-range view. We talked about the kind of people we wanted to be and what we wanted our marriage to stand for — generosity toward others, support for their happiness, not just ours. We went ahead with a small wedding and never looked back. My husband is gone now, but we had a very happy marriage and nothing but the best relationships between his family and mine.

J.

On people who comment constantly on your weight:

My mother and brother do this obsessively, and I tried everything, over many years, to place appropriate boundaries. Smiles, brush-offs, polite requests — nothing worked.

I finally said, "I am tired of your apparent assumption that you have the right to comment on my weight, or to grill me on what I eat, how much I exercise or anything else related to the topic. You cross a line into my space in doing so, and I want this to end. I cannot change your behavior, but if this happens again, I will leave immediately."

It solved the problem partially.

They continue to comment on other people's weight and exercise. I'm trying to work on an oblique approach, too. I've tried: ""Is this story about how fat everyone is and about their bad food choices, or is it a story about your Seniors outing?"

Some people need boundaries. Sometimes you have to give them some.

G.