Q: I've been in a relationship with a man for the past year and a half. He's a wonderful guy and I love him very much. We live together and he puts up with all my faults and foibles.
Yet I've become what I despise — a nag. And I don't know how to stop being so disapproving.
My boyfriend works hard, pays his bills and treats me and my dog with love and respect. He has had a history of alcohol use, culminating in a trip to a psychiatric hospital after a near-fatal binge and suicidal inclinations. He does suffer from depression and anxiety and his alcohol use was interfering with the efficacy of his antidepressants.
He has since stopped drinking, except for an occasional beer. But now he's moved onto pot. He uses it several times a day. I hate it. I highly disapprove of it (it's illegal here).
I feel like I fuss at him all the time about it. If I'm not sniffing him for pot, I'm constantly on alert for him to start drinking again. Do you have any advice on how to stop trying to micromanage things?
I've Become a Monster
You don't need "good" reasons to leave; you don't need to stop loving him; you don't even need to examine your own co-dependency — though I strongly suggest you do.
You also don't need to defend or rethink your disapproval. You're fully entitled to dislike the frustration of having a partner who spends the bulk of his waking hours high.
Clearly you're unhappy with your relationship and home life right now, and that unhappiness manifests in your nagging and fussing and suspense as you await the next calamity.
If you have really good reasons not to leave — even if it's just that you don't feel you've tried everything yet — then please make some sort of reputable counseling, for you alone, your next move. You don't have to sort all of this out on your own, nor is it a good idea to when you're at the point of frustration you seem to have reached.