Sunday, January 21, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

The perfect dating ad (in his and hers versions)

Everyone, I've fixed your online dating woes! Wired magazine this month analyzed what makes for the most attractive dating profile. It even included a list of the most appealing words men and women can use. The only trouble is how to work the key words into sentences. The rest of it just comes together by magic.

Men who used "whom" got 31 percent more opposite-sex replies, regardless of how they actually used it. Women who called themselves "girls" got more replies than those who didn't. It's all a science, really.

I have concocted the most appealing online dating profiles of all time, using as many buzzwords as possible in as few words as I can. Context, shmontext — these are based on data! Buzzwords are in bold. Feel free to use these in your "About Me" to attract a mate!

Ladies

I spend all my time away from London and New York City, surfing the Internet to post hateful comments on athlete forums, and intending to do yoga.

I am often wasted at the office and have to be driven away by foodies for acting like Archer. My philosophy? Let models work out; my passion is laziness. Fitness? I call that "lucky physics." Creativity? "Charmed meditations." Europe is over the ocean, and maybe there's sushi there? My homeland is New York, and I don't feel anything for Radiohead. Sometimes I fashion pulp fiction meditations, girls!

Men

I love surfing the surf — it's like skiing the ocean. Let's do yoga, whom.

I have a large collection of teeth. After mating, I gather passports (only those with blue eyes) to use in my confidence work. Who has time for retirement?

I like to take photography of my breakfast. I am awful at tennis. Things I hate with a passion? Weddings, teachers and puppies.

I have never been to London. I hate flying. Also kissing.

The best part of mornings is chocolate.

You're welcome.

— Washington Post

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