Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

What can she do about live-in boyfriend's buddies always dropping by?

hat can she do?

Q: Ever since my boyfriend and I moved in together earlier this year, I have been uncomfortable with the amount of time his friends "Jim" and "Dave" spend at our house. They come over anywhere from two to five nights each week, often showing up unannounced. This happens whether or not my boyfriend and I already have plans. At first, my boyfriend acted helpless about it ("I can't stop them from coming over"), but when I called him on that, he switched to a new defense: "I shouldn't have to give up my friends just because we live together." I'm at the end of my rope. Any suggestions?

You, Me, Jim and Dave

Carolyn: One: realtor.com/rentals.

You, Me, Jim and Dave again: I'm sure you're right — but assuming I do want to stay in the relationship, do you agree with me that it's reasonable to want a few nights a week with no drop-ins?

Also, I wonder whether the rules are any different since we are not married and hence my rights are more those of a roommate versus wife. If I promise to check out rentals, will you please offer a tiny bit more guidance for the interim?

Carolyn: The rules are not different with or without marriage, because this is about your consideration of each other's needs. His current defense cuts both ways: "I shouldn't have to give up my friends just because we live together" turns around to, "I shouldn't have to give up my quiet time just because we live together. So doesn't it make sense that we both have to give a little, out of respect for each other?" If he's a tool about it even after you put it that way, then, realtor.com/rentals.

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