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What to expect when you're invited to your first same-sex wedding

 
Certain wedding traditions, especially those based on gender roles, are often not a part of same-sex ceremonies.
Certain wedding traditions, especially those based on gender roles, are often not a part of same-sex ceremonies.
Published Jan. 23, 2015

"Cousin Delroy is getting married …" says the family patriarch to his clan, "to a man … which is crazy!" Despite the gasps, he announces he's bringing in Gary, a gay weddings expert, who tries to calm the anxiety-ridden relatives by explaining, "A gay wedding is just like a straight wedding," before being barraged by questions like, "When do we sing YMCA?" ("You don't," says Gary, "this is a religious ceremony.") and, "Is RuPaul going be there?" ("I don't think Delroy knows RuPaul.")

This spoof of gay wedding advice comes from Comedy Central's Key & Peele, and like any good satire, its power lies in the nuggets of truth reflected in the queries.

In the past several months as civil marriage rights have come to a total of 36 states plus the District of Columbia (with Florida joining that list on Jan. 6) my inbox has overflowed with questions on same-sex wedding etiquette.

Seventy percent of gay couples live in states where same-sex marriage is now legal, according to Gary Gates, a scholar at UCLA School of Law's Williams Institute. Close to half a million same-sex couples can now marry — and as many as 80,000 gay couples may do so in the next year. This means an invitation may soon appear in your mailbox.

And the first thing to know is, it won't be so different from what you're used to.

"Whether it's two brides, two grooms, or a bride and groom, at the heart of it are two people who are committing their lives to one another and who are expressing that love and commitment before their community of family and friends," says Marc Solomon, author of Winning Marriage: The Inside Story of How Same-Sex Couples Took on the Politicians and Pundits — and Won!

But dig deeper and the differences start to appear. "While certain steps in the planning process are neutral, such as selecting a menu, there are many questions for gay grooms and lesbian brides," explained Jason Mitchell, author of Getting Groomed: The Ultimate Wedding Planner for Gay Grooms. Certain traditions, especially those based on gender roles, are often eschewed, such as the garter or bouquet toss and the "daddy dance."

So, for those invited to their first same-sex wedding, here are some answers to common questions about what to expect:

Do we throw a shower for one bride, or both? What about the bachelor/bachelorette party?

Traditional shower etiquette doesn't cover two brides, or none, which may explain why a 2013 gay wedding survey by the Knot and the Advocate noted that only 8 percent of same-sex couples reported having a shower (compared to 22 percent for opposite-sex couples). Sarah Kelly, who married Amita Parashar in 2013, said that her mother and sister hosted a joint shower, adding, "My family didn't want to do one and not have Amita be there."

Christopher Hamilton, who married Wayne Fong in 2013, said his best man found planning his bachelor party hard because he wasn't sure whether to invite Fong and then didn't. Fong acknowledged he was "disappointed" when he wasn't invited and then found himself with no party of his own.

Kathryn Hamm, president of GayWeddings.com, said the best advice is simply to ask the couple what they want.

What side of the aisle?

"Bride's side or groom's?" is becoming an outdated question even for heterosexual couples, and guests at same-sex weddings are likely to be friends of both brides or grooms. "Couples want to define their wedding party around support of themselves as a couple, not individuals," Hamm explained.

How much of a kiss will that kiss really be?

For many straight guests this is the moment of truth: seeing two men or two women lock lips. Steve Drysdale, whose daughter Rebecca married her girlfriend last fall, told me, "This was the first time a lot of the straight guests had seen that in the flesh. It's different than cheering for equal rights. It's more visceral — it makes people uncomfortable."

Roseann Foley Henry, who married her wife in 2008, advised guests to keep their cool. "That first kiss seals the deal on the new marriage — concentrate on the love and the commitment it represents, nothing else, and you'll be fine." She also suggested that all couples use a little discretion: "This is not the best time for any couple to have a makeout session."

Which partner is the husband, which is the wife?

This frequent, yet startlingly personal, question is likely a stand-in for all the ways same-sex nuptials can wreak havoc with tradition. Straight guests look for clues about gender roles in the couple's attire, in who dances with whom, and other details.

"The lack of gender roles allows us to be more nontraditional if we choose to be," Smith said. "Couples often walk down the aisle together or don't dance with their parents; two brides don't necessarily mean two wedding gowns. Sometimes one or both partners is in a suit or tux." (In fact, according to the same-sex wedding survey conducted by the Knot and the Advocate, more than four in 10 brides wear a suit or a tuxedo.)

As Drysdale told me, "While there's nothing conventional about a gay wedding, everybody had a fantastic time at Becky's and the gay thing faded into the background as the evening went on."