Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

When discussing porn, stay away from 'should' arguments

When discussing porn, stay away from 'should' arguments

Q: My boyfriend of two years and I are moving in together. We are both 30. This has been a wonderful relationship with very few disagreements.

My one big concern is that he looks at porn. He is very secretive about it, but I have walked in on him a few times watching it and have seen it on the computer. It literally makes me ill.

I have always considered myself sexually open, and I believe he is satisfied with our sex life. I have told him how I feel about porn, but he continues to watch it. I know most guys and girls view porn differently. Do I need to just get over it?

Torn on Porn

A: Do you want to get over it?

Porn questions are often misleading, because they fall into the tar pit of "should." Should people stop using porn? Just paired-off people? Should their disapproving mates just get over it?

It's interesting debate fuel and useful for individual choice. But when it comes to living with someone else's choices, it's best to abandon the shoulds and stick to what is.

Is your boyfriend willing to stop using porn? If unwilling, can you love, trust and accept someone who sneaks porn — and if willing, can you love, trust and accept someone who at any given time isn't using porn only because you asked him not to? Until you're sure where you stand, don't move in with him. Sorting this out will be hard enough without the potential agony of moving out to cloud your thinking.

If you do start (or stumble into) the "should" conversation, then try approaching it as a true-or-false question: If you believe an industry is so unsafe or dishonorable that you wouldn't offer up yourself or spouse/child (real or hypothetical) to work in it, then you shouldn't use the products of that industry.

Cool thing is, this works not just for porn, but for meatpacking, contact sports, mining, art, education, pubs, multinationals, politics, you name it. Discuss.

What do you do when it's your brother versus your husband?

Q: My husband and I allowed my brother to move in with us because he lost his job and was about to get evicted from his apartment. We all agreed before he moved in that he would not smoke inside our house.

Well, my husband came home early yesterday and found my brother smoking inside our house. My husband wants to kick my brother out, like, right now — change the locks today.

I am also mad at my brother for smoking in our house, but I feel like kicking him out for smoking a cigarette is an overreaction, and my brother has nowhere else to go. So, how do I resolve this?

Brother vs. Husband

A: Judging from his response, your husband sees this as a last straw. Judging from your account, this is your brother's first offense.

First offense + nowhere else to go + family = warn brother that next time he does this he's out.

The husband's frustration + his good sportsmanship in hosting your brother = a just-spouses session where husband airs his (other) grievances, you don't get defensive and you agree on the end date. Your husband needs your support, too, just in less apparent ways than your brother does.

Comments
As spring approaches, parties, food festivals bloom at Florida’s theme parks

As spring approaches, parties, food festivals bloom at Florida’s theme parks

Can you feel it? The air is gradually thickening with humidity and the layers of clothes are getting thinner. Spring has almost sprung and with it brings a bumper crop of festivals in Florida’s theme parks full of food, wine, concerts and parades. Th...
Updated: 3 hours ago
Plan your weekend Feb. 19-20: Monster Energy Supercross. Gasparilla Distance Classic, Clearwater Sea-Blues Festival, slam poet Neil Hilborn

Plan your weekend Feb. 19-20: Monster Energy Supercross. Gasparilla Distance Classic, Clearwater Sea-Blues Festival, slam poet Neil Hilborn

Plan your weekend ExtremeMonster Energy Supercross Championship: The action-packed dirt bike stunts and racing returns to Tampa for the first time in two decades. Each track in the 16-city series is different, so competitors will ride between 15 and ...
Updated: 3 hours ago
In theaters this week: ‘Annihilation’ based on Florida author Jeff VanderMeer’s book, ‘Game Night,’ ‘Every Day’

In theaters this week: ‘Annihilation’ based on Florida author Jeff VanderMeer’s book, ‘Game Night,’ ‘Every Day’

ANNIHILATIONAuthor Jeff VanderMeer told me at last year’s Times Festival of Reading that Annihilation (R) is going to blow everyone’s mind. The Tallahassee author is biased, of course, having written the novel it’s based on, but there’s some reason t...
Updated: 8 hours ago
Top things to do this weekend: Supercross Championship, Olate Dogs, Gasparilla Distance Classic

Top things to do this weekend: Supercross Championship, Olate Dogs, Gasparilla Distance Classic

BIKE RACE: Monster Energy Supercross ChampionshipThe action-packed dirt bike stunts and racing of the Monster Energy Supercross Championship return to Tampa for the first time in two decades. Motorcyclists will race at more than 60 mph and fly off ju...
Updated: 8 hours ago
This week’s top concerts: Willie Nelson, Los Lobos, Clearwater Sea-Blues and more

This week’s top concerts: Willie Nelson, Los Lobos, Clearwater Sea-Blues and more

ON THE ROAD AGAIN: Willie NelsonI’m sure that when Willie Nelson had to postpone his recent Clearwater concert after a bout with the flu, you, like me, took the news well, spitting through clenched teeth: "OH NO YOU DON’T, 2018. YOU WILL NOT TAKE WIL...
Updated: 8 hours ago
Green Thumb, Flamingo Festival and more spring festivals coming to Tampa Bay

Green Thumb, Flamingo Festival and more spring festivals coming to Tampa Bay

spring eventsFlamingo FestivalHelp celebrate the young flock of flamingos that recently arrived at Sunken Gardens at a colorful festival with live music, kids activities, and beer and wine for sale. Wear pink for $1 off admission. $10, $8 seniors, $4...
Updated: 8 hours ago
5 things to do under $5: The Romantics, Free Hugs Guy, Ybor Fiesta Day

5 things to do under $5: The Romantics, Free Hugs Guy, Ybor Fiesta Day

1 Blast Friday: This block party in downtown Clearwater brings a free show by the Romantics, right, the power pop new wave band that brought us What I Like About You and Talking in Your Sleep. There’s also a family-friendly food and craft vendor fest...
Updated: 9 hours ago
SeaWorld uses food, concerts as bait for Seven Seas Food Festival

SeaWorld uses food, concerts as bait for Seven Seas Food Festival

Seaworld Seven Seas Food Festival at the Orlando park with an expanded menu celebrating two of Florida’s most popular types of food: barbecue and Latin-inspired dishes.DateSWeekends now through April 15.EntertainmentLike its sister park Busch Gardens...
Published: 02/21/18
What to expect at Universal’s Mardi Gras party of parades, food and pop concerts

What to expect at Universal’s Mardi Gras party of parades, food and pop concerts

Universal studios MaThe annual Mardi Gras celebration is up and running at Universal Studios, bringing the Big Easy’s charm and food out every night, and this year it tosses in new floats and music.Six new constellation-themed Mardi Gras floats have ...
Published: 02/21/18
What to expect at Epcot’s Flower and Garden Festival 2018

What to expect at Epcot’s Flower and Garden Festival 2018

International Flower and Garden FestivalCelebrating the big 25 this year, the International Flower and Garden Festival is one of Disney World’s longest and oldest celebrations, on par with Epcot’s popular Food and Wine Festival. Lately the two have s...
Published: 02/21/18