Wife confronts husband about his secret friend but he denies it
Q: Is it okay for a husband or wife to have a secret friend of the opposite sex?
I have found proof within our computer's history that contact has been going on for at least three years. They met at work. Whenever I try to broach the subject, I get screamed at and told that I have no idea what I am doing with a computer, therefore I am wrong.
Coincidentally, whatever proof I found gets deleted after our conversation. I check the history the next day.
We have even seen this person while we are out in public; they always acknowledge each other, secretively of course, thinking evidently that I am deaf, dumb and blind.
They are probably just friends, but I don't know what to do. I have become moody, paranoid, stressed … the irony is, my spouse keeps complaining about my mood.
I have found myself not believing my spouse in other instances, like why s/he is home late from work. My spouse might be telling the truth — but I can't get past the secret friend.
I honestly feel that my spouse thinks if s/he told me about the friendship, then I would become a raving lunatic. This is killing me. Is it okay for a spouse to have a secret friend?
I Need To Hear the Truth
A: How much more of the truth, exactly, do you feel you need to hear?
You know your spouse is hiding someone from you and lying about it; would rather scream at you and malign your competence than dignify you with the truth; isn't trustworthy; is complaining about your role in the marriage while steering substantial attention outside of it.
You know you're a wreck.
So you know that secret friends aren't "okay," and that, even if there isn't one, the way you're being treated isn't "okay."
You know all this and are asking me anyway, which has me asking, why?
Were you hoping to hear that your marriage is fine? Doubtful; your letter reads more "Tell me I'm right" than "Tell me I'm wrong."
If it's validation you're after, then I suppose it's possible that's all you want. People who know they're being wronged but who don't want to leave the comfort of home, even an unhappy one, occupy a sort of nether world. They know they're not going to get what they want — rekindled love, a mate who stops cheating (or starts doing housework), whatever; so, they'll settle for being right.
If this is you, then please know the loneliness of this realm you choose to inhabit, and find the courage to kick your way out. Stop snooping, and say: "I've seen how much contact you have with X, so please don't pretend you're not close. I ask that you dignify me with the truth, so I can see whether I need to find a good therapist or a good attorney." If you just get screamed at again, then get both.
It's also possible you need validation because you lack the confidence to trust what your own eyes, ears and heart are telling you. If this is you, then skip the conversation and start with the good therapist, solo. Emotional paralysis can have many sources, but it has one result: stranding you with your fears.