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Woman is hurt after her husband calls her an offensive name

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Woman is hurt after husband calls her an offensive name

Portland: My husband and I haven't really talked since five days ago, when he called me a (glass bowl) for questioning something about a weekend getaway we're planning. I said, "Why would we want to spend our weekend getaway watching a TV event? If it's so important, why don't we go another weekend?"

Neither of us has brought it up since, but we didn't finish the planning, so we're in limbo for the weekend.

I know if I say, "Honey, I was hurt when you called me . . .," he'd say, "Then stop being a (glass bowl)."

Was I wrong to say what I did? Can we salvage the weekend?

Carolyn: How about: "I may have been abrasive in my wording about choosing another weekend, but on what planet is it okay for a husband to call his wife a (glass bowl) and mean it?"

Or you can skip that and go to marriage counseling, of which you two appear to be in dire need.

If he agrees to go with you — color me skeptical — please make sure also to see someone solo. You've just given a tiny glimpse here, but if an apparently legitimate effort to compromise by picking another weekend triggers such intense hostility, then that points to emotional and verbal abuse. Couples' counseling in that case should not be your only source of counsel, given the possibility that he'd dominate the couples' portion to the point where it would be useless to you.

Find your voice first, then worry about the marriage, then worry about weekend trips.

Wife's demanding career is taking a toll on marriage

Albany: My wife's career is ruining our marriage. She routinely works 14-hour days, leaving her exhausted and unwilling to do anything but sleep during evenings and weekends. She has unilaterally decided to push back our baby-making plan by at least a year (a big concern for me because I'm already 44). Worst of all, she is stressed out to the point of occasional hysteria — I'm talking tears once a week.

She is a rising star in her field and is convinced these sacrifices are necessary to get where she wants to go, but in addition to feeling terrible when I see how stressed she is, I am beginning to feel rather disregarded as her husband. In my opinion, every marriage should have some element of "veto power"; can I invoke that here?

Carolyn: I agree every marriage should include veto power, but I don't think you've gotten to the point where it applies. Have you told her how you feel, what you're witnessing in her, what you think is happening to your marriage, that you miss her? Have you talked about an end point to this phase of her career, and what you both can expect when she gets "where she wants to go"? Is her getting there even a sure thing?

Maybe you have had this conversation to the point where you're talking in circles. In that case, I still don't think you're at the veto threshold. There's still the "I don't want to live like this anymore" step. Only when that fails to produce a mutually satisfying answer do you advance to the "I won't live like this anymore" stage.

Woman is hurt after her husband calls her an offensive name 08/31/09 [Last modified: Monday, August 31, 2009 6:42pm]

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