You're ready for marriage when both of you are willing to bend

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

You're ready for marriage when both of you are willing to bend

Baltimore: My boyfriend and I are both looking forward to a lifetime together, but for a combination of work, school and family reasons can't agree on a location to spend it in. Neither of us wants to push the other one to compromise, but neither of us wants to be the one to compromise, either. We don't want there to be any resentment or inequality in terms of whose needs/wants are more important.

I wonder if this is a sign that we aren't ready to become a married couple. Do you think a strong, healthy, marriage-ready relationship would make this decision easy? Or is our struggle normal?

Carolyn: Your struggle is normal. But while you're right to fear resentment and inequality, it's possible to get so caught up in line-item fairness that you miss the point of being together. Unless you see his needs as not just equal to, but bound to your own, and vice versa, then you still haven't reached the level of intimacy that I'd advise taking into a marriage.

Right now, neither of you wants to bend. When both of you want to bend to please the other, then you've reached the sweet spot of intimacy. And when each of you keeps the other from bending too much, that's your confirmation of arrival.

I would suggest that both of you let go of your current notions of what it would mean to "win." Presumably both of you have legitimate reasons for wanting place A or B — but when it comes to defending those positions, it's natural to bring in other arguments for A or B that are more for the sake of winning, and not as legitimate or essential as you make them out to be.

These are the things you need to identify, and surrender. This is where you open your minds to each other's ideas.

And if you're worried you will open your mind and he won't, then we're back to your not being ready for marriage. You know you're there when you know the other person has your back. Even when you disagree.

Anonymous: Re: Moving for love: Home is where my honey is. For me it really is that simple.

Carolyn: Which is swell, and probably true for many who are forced to choose between love or location.

However, place can affect people, and so can affect who your "honey" is. People with strong opinions on their location don't necessarily love their mates less. Different people, different needs.

Anonymous 2: Re: Moving for love: After 10 years of marriage and two children, my husband's industry vanished from Massachusetts and continued in California. I was miserable in California because I'd been reluctant to move, and then made it worse by harping on the move. We moved again two years later, and last year we moved again.

If you do decide to move, do it wholeheartedly. It takes time to make new friends, but don't spend all your time complaining to the old ones. Get a job, volunteer, invite everyone you meet over for coffee. Just do what it takes to settle in. Even though it's painful and annoying.

Carolyn: Persuasive, thanks, and applicable to most things beyond our control.

You're ready for marriage when both of you are willing to bend 03/15/10 [Last modified: Monday, March 15, 2010 6:09pm]

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