Maybe I'm not qualified to write about fashion. Maybe I don't have vision.
Or maybe my vision was just fine until I saw pictures from Paris Fashion Week, and now my eyeballs hurt from looking at all the craziness on the catwalks.
Lest you think I'm being overly dramatic, consider the fall footwear at the Nina Ricci show. Until now, I had no idea that it was possible to mix stiletto bootie, horse hoof and ice skate all in one shoe, if it's still possible to call this a shoe.
The platforms are essentially stilts, adding about 11 inches to the wearer's height, according to New York magazine. The heels don't even touch the ground, creating a freaky optical illusion. They are regal and ridiculous all at once. But mostly ridiculous. Those runway models have nerves of steel, man.
They better not have allergies, though. If they walked the Givenchy show, they had to endure wearing clothes accessorized by hair that wasn't their own. I'm not sure whether it was synthetic or real, but it made me want to sneeze just looking at it.
The line includes hair sprouting from strappy sandals, blouse necklines and the rear end of a pencil skirt. An AP writer called the look "a tad repulsive." I can't disagree.
Deal Diva Colleen Jenkins
Hey, Kanye — Your kicks are kooky
I wore high-tops once. It was a dark time in my life, and I'm not proud. But it needs confronting.
They were white leather with air holes poked in the toe. They closed with both Velcro AND shoelaces. The suckers were stuck to my dogs like a Sopranos cement block. In one instance of particularly poor judgment, I wore them with SCRUNCH SOCKS and WHITE TIGHTS and OVERALL SHORTS and a SNAP-CROTCH BODY SUIT and a SCRUNCHIE.
Oh, that feels cleansing!
But it was the early '90s, and the shoes probably cost a reasonable $30 out of my family's budget. That's my excuse. What's yours, Kanye West?
How can you possibly make peace with YOUR demons? After all, you've designed a new line of intensely fugly sneaks for Louis Vuitton, the likes of which have not been seen since I trotted Epcot's Body Wars ride in my Reebok Classics. Your shoes have HOT PINK DYE and FRINGE. The have GOLD TABS and PIPING.
Worst of all, word on the street is that they will retail for around $800 to $1,000! These things better be made of spun-freaking-gold, Kanye. I mean, for that price, I want to feel like I'm walking on a marshmallow. Like my feet are wholly absorbed in a miniature Snuggie for all eternity.
You should really talk it out with a therapist, Kanye. It'll help you come to terms with your own truth. Only then can you move forward and design shoes that aren't terrible.
Deal Diva Stephanie Hayes
Facial with a berry on top
Who doesn't love strawberry season? My favorite ruby fruit is spicing up everything these days, from my lunch salad to my skin complexion.
That's right — I've been rubbing strawberries on my face. Don't knock it before you've tried it.
I recently read — in some magazine at the gym — an article about the popularity of natural products in skin care treatments and spa therapies. It included a few DIY recipes. A simple facial option caught my eye.
Combine three strawberries and a tablespoon of honey. Mash until smooth. Massage onto your face for three minutes. Enjoy a glowing complexion!
The real deal: It does feel odd to be rubbing strawberry syrup on your face, but the smell was just heavenly and relaxing. But the goop is messy. I did not regret standing over the kitchen sink.
The result: My face felt smooth and fresh, and a light strawberry scent lingered.
Deal Diva Letitia Stein