Intervention, 9 p.m., A&E: If you're a former Soul Train dancer, it's really bad news when the only other time you're on TV is for a documentary showing you trying to get over a crack addiction.
SEASON PREMIERE, Scream Queens, 10 p.m., VH1: Ten more desperately untalented ladies try to win a spot on Saw 3D. How successful was the last season? The only job winner Tanedra Howard could get was in the same movie.
SEASON PREMIERE, The Bad Girls Club, 9 p.m., Oxygen: Seven more angry women room together in South Beach. Man, between them and the Jersey Shore crew, this was a bad year to try to get a rental in Miami.
SEASON PREMIERE, The Rachel Zoe Project, 10 p.m., Bravo: Rachel ditches Taylor in a season that promises appearances by Demi Moore, Molly Sims, Johnny Weir and Gwen Stefani. We know at least one of those people has a flair for the dramatic (right, Johnny?).
SEASON PREMIERE, Dark Blue, 9 p.m., TNT: The only real reason to watch this show: Tricia Helfer guest stars. Oh, well, and Dylan McDermott is back.
Top Chef, 9 p.m., Bravo: We can't concentrate on this week's challenges; We're still wondering if Alex swiped Ed's pea puree last week. It's clobberin' time if he did.
Monsters Inside Me, 10 p.m., Animal Planet: And if you don't care about eating, watch this episode featuring a fly that uses a boy's eyeball as a breeding ground. Excuse us for a sec …
SERIES PREMIERE, The Real Housewives of DC, 9 p.m., Bravo: back in the day, this network showed operas and ballets and plays — you know, real cultural events. Now we've got yet another installment of five disagreeable women who are detached from reality rubbing our noses in how rich they are, including Michaele Salahi, who crashed a White House party.
SERIES PREMIERE, The Squad: Prison Police, 10 p.m., A&E: Did you know that even more crimes are committed in prisons, and that there are special task forces designed to investigate them? Wow, Emerald City from Oz really should have had one of those.
SERIES PREMIERE, Stan Lee's Superhumans, 10 p.m., History: Lee and Daniel Browning Smith (known as the most flexible man in the world) search high and low for real-life folks who have abilities freakishly similar to those of Marvel superheroes. We can't wait until they locate Sue Storm, a.k.a. the Invisible Woman.
My Child Is a Monkey, 9 p.m., NatGeo: A special devoted to those who adopt pet monkeys and proceed to treat them like children, putting them in diapers and pushing them around in strollers. Isn't this show supposed to on after Animal Planet's Animal Hoarders?
Reach Joshua Gillin at firstname.lastname@example.org.