Wow, was that a marathon or what? Even though they managed to squeak the 80th Annual Academy Awards ceremony in before the stroke of midnight, it had to have been one of the least dramatic shows ever. While you may want to turn to page 20 to see who really won, we offer the following points from The Juice*'s liveblog (blogs.tampabay.com/juice) last night to sum up the boredom show:
8:35: Jon Stewart helped live up to The Juice*'s predictions of numerous teen pregnancy references by saying he was glad the Academy finally shied away from the murderously bloody (and murderously depressing) best picture noms by giving a nod to Juno: "All I can say is, thank god for teen pregnancy."
8:39: Wow — a stripper joke, an Iraq war joke and an election joke in the space of three minutes? This might be a good night.
8:48: ZOMG, they've already started the 80th anniversary stuff? We'll take this time to point out that Heidi Klum was scorching hot in all her regal redness. But what's with the pink jewelry?
8:54: Steve Carell just said s---, if you're playing FCC police. Or did he? Let's say he did, because it makes it all the more exciting.
9:07: Okay, Stewart's remark that during commercial breaks "mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you wear at home" makes the list. And if Transformers doesn't win visual effects, there is no god ... but since The Golden Compass wins, you're only proving that story's point. How else can talking polar bears beat giant robots?
9:10: Wow, it's good to see Ally McBeal showed up with her dad.
9:17: Oooo goodie! The first big award of the evening, best supporting actor, goes to Javier Bardem, who is looking much more dapper than he did with that pageboy haircut. And that part where he made his mama cry after saying something in Spanish? Gold.
9:33: Jerry Seinfeld is still doing the Bee Movie thing? It's a good thing they had a fairly funny vignette segment about bees in movies to back that up. We still didn't get to see any of those short animated films, though. Peter and the Wolf looks exactly like the kind of thing our friends' 4-year-old daughter should watch.
9:40: Moving right along, the best supporting actress is Tilda Swinton, who looks like she's wearing a garbage bag, or maybe a child's witch costume. We could make a crack about whether she should have won actress or actor, but that's tired. Besides, we think Tilda's movies are hot, and that's enough, right? Besides, she dispelled the k.d. lang lookalike stuff when she cheered George Clooney for rocking that old Batman suit so well (see quote above).
10:01: Stewart is keeping the show fresh by announcing Angelina Jolie has won Nicole Kidman's, Jessica Alba's and Cate Blanchett's babies. Of course, Angie couldn't be there because, as Jon says, "it's tough getting 17 babysitters on Oscar night." They are keeping that orchestra swell on high tonight, aren't they?
10:08: It's straight hateful that last guy for sound mixing had his microphone turned off, but as a colleague points out, they're just lucky they didn't get shoved into that "in awards that happened earlier this week" section.
10:14: We're moving fast and furious here. Leading actress already? It's not 11 p.m. yet. Ellen Page got a big swell from the audience there, but Marion Cotillard wins best in show here, too. Apparently we're over that whole Marisa Tomei debacle. "It is true there is some angels in this city" will be a big quote on Oscar montages until the 160th anniversary of the Academy Awards.
10:53: Zzzzzz ... snorgkx* Oh, a song won? Great, now we can get to the good stuff.
11:03: Aw, the dead people part always makes us sad. Plus, it reminds us Roy Scheider just died.
11:27: Diablo Cody won, and that rocks. Hollywood loves an ex-stripper.
11:14: There's actually some class in the Oscars tonight. First Jon Stewart lets that best song co-winner come back onstage after not getting to say anything, and now they're letting soldiers present the award for best documentary short subject. We take back some of the things we said about Hollywood. Not really.
11:36: Daniel Day-Lewis drinks everyone's milkshake by winning best actor. He says something about saplings sprouting out of heads and gets a lot longer to talk than everyone else.What are the chances we'll ever finish one of these by midnight?
11:43: The Coen Brothers win best director(s) for No Country for Old Men, but there won't be any drama in this race for years, since presenter Martin Scorsese won last year. Ethan Coen does get props for having the shortest acceptance speech ever though, twice saying simply, "Thank you."
11:48: Denzel Washington seems pretty no-nonsense here, presenting No Country with best picture. The brothers didn't even bother leaving the stage. We cry shenanigans. But then, maybe we should keep that to ourselves, lest Anton Chigurh come after us. And with that, we bid you good night.
"Democrats do have an historic race going, Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty." — Host Jon Stewart talking about this year's presidential election.
"I'm speechless. ... Thank you life. Thank you love. It is true there (are) some angels in this city." — Marion Cotillard, after winning best-actress Oscar for La Vie en Rose.
"Thank you to the Coens for being crazy enough to think that I could do that and put one of the most horrible haircuts (in) history over my head."
— Javier Bardem, thanking directors Ethan and Joel Coen while accepting the best supporting actor Oscar for No Country for Old Men.
“Someone just took the lead in their Oscar pool based on a guess." — Jon Stewart, after Christopher Rouse wons the award for film editing for the The Bourne Ultimatum.
The fashion winners
"George Clooney, you know, the seriousness and the dedication to your art, seeing you climb into that rubber batsuit from Batman & Robin — the one with the nipples, every morning under your costume, on the set, off the set, hanging upside-down at lunch — you rock man." — Tilda Swinton, thanking her Michael Clayton co-star after winning best supporting actress.
There will be boredom ...
© 2014 Tampa Bay Times