SEASON PREMIERE Intervention, 9 p.m., A&E: Another year of watching other people with lives way worse than your own begins with a homeless woman whose dad offers to get her help. First step: Rent the girl a room already.
Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas to You, 9 p.m., ABC: The diva has a new Christmas album, so you know what that means: A lot of time staring at her tummy and trying to figure out if her baby bump is big enough to be holding twins.
Lie to Me, 9 p.m., Fox: For Christmas, Cal gets to go to Afghanistan to find two missing Marines. He can start by leaving out two really big stockings on the mantel.
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown!, 8 p.m., ABC: This isn't the classic Charlie Brown tale, but rather that 2003 effort that resurrected little-known ReRun, Linus and Lucy's little brother. You remember him: He spent most of his time in the strip on a baby seat strapped to his mom's bicycle.
Third Reich, 9 p.m., History: This is a two-parter that hopefully will horrify enough ignorant people that they'll quit comparing modern-day leaders to Hitler. Then again, they probably won't.
Gordon Ramsay's Ultimate Christmas, 10 p.m., BBC America: See? He doesn't swear all the time.
Let's Spend the Night Together: Confessions of Rock's Greatest Groupies, 8:30 p.m., VH1: This show would be more revealing (and air much later at night) if it appeared on Cinemax.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 10 p.m., NBC: Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt went from modestly successful ghost whisperer to traumatized rape victim. Plus, she has to deal with a crossover episode with Law & Order: Los Angeles. So sad.
Funniest Commercials of the Year: 2010, 10 p.m., TBS: Just make them all of the Old Spice guy and call it a night. Oh, and the Dos Equis guy, too.
SEASON FINALE Burn Notice, 10 p.m., USA: Sure, there's an assault team closing in on Michael, but we'd leave it up to Bruce Campbell to make it all better.
Top 40 Videos of 2010, 9 p.m., VH1: Wait, someone besides Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift made music videos this year?
I Get That a Lot, 9:30 p.m., CBS: If we went to a pizzeria and Heidi Klum was working behind the counter, you'd have to wheel us out to keep from staring. If Paris Hilton was pumping our gas at a filling station, you'd have to wheel us out to keep from laughing.
Joshua Gillin, email@example.com