SERIES PREMIERE Bachelor Pad, 8 p.m., ABC: Nineteen fan favorites from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette continue to prove what losers they are by all cramming together in a house, where none of them stand a chance at finding love, since the focus is winning $250,000.
Teen Choice 2010, 8 p.m., Fox: Katy Perry hosts the people's choice awards chosen by the same sophisticated consumers who like 5 Hour Energy, Ke$ha and wearing their pants below their knees. That's how you know these count.
SEASON PREMIERE Flipping Out, 9 p.m., Bravo: Jeff has gone from flipping houses to interior design, seeing as how no one wants to buy a new home anymore. They should change the title of the show, then.
Rescue Me, 10 p.m., FX: HQ shuts down the firehouse, making it difficult for the crew to respond to a nearby call. The very fact they responded to a call when the firehouse was closed is proof this isn't a union shop.
MINISERIES PREMIERE The Human Spark, 8 p.m., PBS: (check local listings) Alan Alda hosts a three-parter about how we became the intelligent, artistic, sensitive and insightful beings we are by examining 30,000-year-old cave paintings while trying to make us forget he was Hawkeye from M*A*S*H.
SEASON FINALE So You Think You Can Dance, 8 p.m., Fox: Who cares who wins? This is probably Nigel Lythgoe's final season of paying full attention to these contestants.
The Real Housewives of DC, 9 p.m., Bravo: Drinks are flying as we get to see Michaele and Lynda get in that big fight they were mewling about on The View when the Salahis got all angry about Whoopi Goldberg. Can your eardrums handle the screeching?
Nat Geo Amazing!, 7 p.m., NatGeo: Besides the terra-cotta warriors of China, we get to meet scientists who trigger avalanches on purpose to study the effects. That's way cooler than another reality show about lumberjacks.
The Pillars of the Earth, 10 p.m., Starz: William decides to attack Kingsbridge to thwart Aliena's success. Hey, we thought it was Jack and Alfred who were the ones really upset over her.
Joshua Gillin, email@example.com