SERIES PREMIERE, Heavy, 10 p.m., A&E: For some reason, the so-called Arts & Entertainment network is featuring a show about people who are morbidly obese. Maybe they've been sitting around watching too many episodes of Hoarders and Intervention.
SERIES PREMIERE, Harry's Law, 10 p.m., NBC: It's a David E. Kelley joint starring Kathy Bates as a lawyer who gets downsized and then opens her own firm. See what they did there? Her name's Harriet, see, so it's a woman named Harry, and she deals with the law. So clever.
SEASON PREMIERE, White Collar, 10 p.m., USA: Tim DeKay and Neal Caffrey are back to catch more con artists and counterfeiters, but thanks to the evening news, it's like they never left.
SEASON FINALE, Glory Daze, 10 p.m., TBS: How can this be the end of the season already? We're only at midterms. TV years are more confusing than the new zodiac.
SEASON PREMIERE, American Idol, 8 p.m., Fox: It's time to see if Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez can keep this ship afloat, or if Simon Cowell's departure is the iceberg that's going to sink this lumbering Titanic of a series. More bad news: Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson are actually returning.
SERIES PREMIERE, Retired at 35, 10:30 p.m., TV Land: A high-powered executive quits his job to move in with his folks in a Florida retirement community. The creators of this show are so clueless — those places only accept people older than 55.
A President to Remember: In the Company of John F. Kennedy, 9:30 p.m., HBO: Commemorate the 50th anniversary of JFK's inauguration with Alec Baldwin reminding all of us how so many people were afraid a Catholic president would be taking orders from the Pope.
SERIES PREMIERE, Fairly Legal, 10 p.m., USA: It seems someone heard us complain about too many lawyer shows on TV, so the solution is to have a series about a former lawyer now working as a mediator.
SEASON PREMIERE, Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox: At some point, you'd think Gordon Ramsay would just pull some of these people aside and explain to them that hey, running a restaurant isn't for everyone.
SERIES PREMIERE, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, 10 p.m., Starz: Since Andy Whitfield is being treated for cancer, the second season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand is being delayed. No worries, though, since they've made this six-part prequel set before Spartacus arrives. Don't worry, it's just as violent.
Joshua Gillin, [email protected]