Thursday, April 19, 2018

Dear Mike: Welcome to Avila, but ...

Memo to: Mr. Michael Williams, the Playboy of Lutz

From: Avila Property Owners' Association

Re: Update on Rules & Regulations

Dear Mr. Williams,

Please let this missive serve as a warm welcome to our gated, chi-chi, hotsy-totsy, insanely upscale neighborhood. All the best for the coming Tampa Bay Buccaneer season in which we sincerely hope you manage to catch more than 22 passes for an electrifying 212 yards, or about $327,000 per reception.

It has come to our attention, mostly through court filings, police reports and news accounts, that your time spent at your former residence, the Sanctuary on Livingston, alas, did not end well. We would very much like to avoid the issues you confronted at the Sanctuary. After all, when you are referred to as "the absolute worst neighbor anyone could imagine" you can understand we might have a tad of anxiety concerning your presence in our midst.

It is not a good sign when the fine folks at the Sanctuary would rather live next door to Ted Nugent than see you pull into your driveway.

By the way, our homeowners' association subcommittee on vetting potential residents is trying to determine who provided you housing here so that they can be properly shunned.

We do hope that as you settle into Avila you will take time to read some new codicils we have attached to the homeowners' agreement. For example, residents are not permitted to install stripper poles in their living rooms. Should the urge arise, we suggest you might wish to patronize the Mons Venus coo-coo-ca-choo emporium, which as been serving Tampa Bay's stripper pole needs since the early 1980s.

Do not misunderstand. We enjoy having a bully good party. The very well attended Sloe Gin Fizz night at the country club is always a hoot. And we look forward to seeing you at the monthly All-the-Foie-Gras-You-Can-Eat buffet challenge.

It pains us to bring this up, sir, but it is our understanding that while you resided at the Sanctuary you were known to use your Twitter account to advertise for as many as 10 young ladies to come to your home for the purpose of a "video and photo shoot" as well as "possibly more" at a rate of $500 per tart. Mr. Williams, this sort of declasse conduct simply will not be tolerated here within the hallowed confines of Avila. We would remind you that we are Avila, one of the most coveted, admired, elegant subdivisions in Tampa Bay.

We have our standards, and they will not be compromised. In the future, sir, keep in mind that the going rate for an Avila courtesan begins at a minimum of $1,500 per strumpet.

We were delighted to learn you have formed an orchestra and would be most interested to have your group perform at the annual debutante ball at the club. We hope your repertoire includes Gershwin, Lerner and Loewe, and Cole Porter. However, would it be possible to change the name of your combo? The "Cave Man Group" does not quite comport with the ambience of elegant understatement Avila cultivates.

A brief word about your social calendar. We are aware that you prefer to begin your reverie in the wee hours of the morning, resulting in vehicles strewn hither and yon, broken sprinkler heads and people passed out all over the place. Mr. Williams, this type of behavior is simply intolerable, especially since so many of your associates appear to be part of the 47 percent.

At Avila, we take great pride that the only people who are permitted to fall into an alcoholic stupor on the front lawn are actual residents of Avila.

While you reside at Avila (and given how you are running through your $40 million it probably won't be all that long), please be advised that carousing after midnight is not permitted.

As you know, many of our residents are captains of industry who need a good night's rest in order for their spouses to make it to Neiman Marcus when the doors open. Please have some consideration for the stress they are under.

Last, we note that although you are a wide receiver capable of running precise, perfectly timed routes, you have racked up 16 traffic citations and have no understanding that a red light means stop.

Therefore, please accept this housewarming gift of a children's tricycle. It may not be age-appropriate, but it fits nicely with your maturity level.

Dan Ruth is an editorial columnist for the Tampa Bay Times.

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